Hi friends!

For years, journaling has been my therapy. In seventh grade, I found myself at a new school and I quickly discovered that change did not suit me. I missed my friends, my old teachers, even the cafeteria lunch at my old school. I had morning sickness simply due to the fact that I didn’t want to face change because change meant facing the unfamiliar. In homeroom, I found myself alone with no one to pass the time with so I started journaling about my days in middle school. Looking back, I don’t even recall what I wrote about but what stuck with me was the cathartic practice of journaling.

In many ways, I consider Ella Kol to be my internet journal. It’s a deeply personal branch of my life and after all these years, I still get excited sharing my latest blog posts with you. Over the holidays, my friend gave me this Self Reflection Kit by artist Koreen Odiney who founded the platform, We Are Not Really Strangers. Though the internet can be a lonely and overwhelming place it is also a place full of support, love, compassion, and connection. We Are Not Really Strangers is a platform that has tapped into the internet’s craving for humanity in a way that’s bluntly simple yet beautifully relatable.

The Self Reflection Kit comes with a set of cards with prompts that can be answered in any order. Each one is different and some prompts are easier to answer than others. The kit also comes with a journal and pen. Though this set of cards is meant to be answered individually, I sat down with a few of my friends (including the one who gifted me this kit, thanks Riana!) and it was a great way to get to know my friends on a deeper level. It’s amazing what you can discover about yourself and others just by asking a profoundly thoughtful yet simple set of questions.

Though I have yet to go through the whole deck of cards, I’ve decided to share some of my answers to a few of the cards here:

For the longest time, I associated change with pain and anxiety. I believed that I would always be averse to change because change meant dealing with all the feelings that I hate the most: homesickness, loneliness, insecurity, and doubt. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve had better experiences with change. Changing jobs has proven to be significantly better not only for my metal health but for the people around me. I’ve also been changing up my hobbies and I’m always excited to discover something new. Now, change means excitement, opportunity, growth, and potential. I am no longer fearful for change because the growing pains have all been worth it.

Two weeks ago, I drove up to Palos Verdes and discovered a new picnic spot. It’s really more of a small patch of grass by the side of the road but it has a perfect view of the ocean and it’s intimately away from everyone. I had a little lunch consisting of a leftover sandwich, fresh fruit from the farmer’s market and a croissant. It was serene to be alone, unplugged from my phone, and present for a few moments.

The one thing about love that my parents instilled into me from the very beginning is that I’m loved. For the most part, I’m lucky enough to say that my parents are still together and have maintained a fairly healthy relationship. My parent’s marriage has always been more of a partnership than a romance. As a result of the endless love from my parents, friends, family, and everyone in between, there has never been a shortage of love in my life. Therefore, I feel like I’ve always approached my romantic relationships with a level of self-assurance. Because I’ve learned that I do not need to ask anyone to love me. The ones that matter already do.

I’ve also learned that love comes in many forms. My parents’ each have their own love language and it’s taught me that love can come in the form of loyalty, understanding, forgiveness, empathy, patience, and time.

In terms of challenging the lessons I’ve learned about love, to be honest I do have my doubts about the foreverness of marriage. I have fears more than I do hopes sometimes about the promise of marriage and how love might be made to last. Of course, I would love to find my forever person one day, so I do ultimately hope my skepticism is proven wrong.

I’m happier overall. It’s as simple as that. A lot has to do with the fact that my day job allows me to be creative and manage my own time. Even though it’s still early in the year, I can already feel myself being drawn towards change and the possibility of one day living a life abroad. Embracing change instead of fearing it is one of the biggest self improvements that I can think of.

I sometimes have doubts about what will actually make me happy. It’s important to note that we shouldn’t wait to be happy; instead, happiness should be embraced in the moment. But of course, being in my mid-twenties I’m constantly fearful of where I am in life compared to my peers. It’s normal to compare but I’m aware that it does more harm than good.

The affirmation that I would say to myself is: Define your own happiness.

If you’ve gotten this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read! Please note, this post is in no way sponsored or promoted by We Are Not Really Strangers. I’m just a huge fan of the platform and I hope my little journal entry has given you some joy. Ultimately, we are not really strangers. We are all connected and I’m happy to share a little piece of my world with you.

xx

Kiana

PS: For updates and ways you can stay informed with how to support Ukrainians fleeing the war, click here. These are absolutely devastating times indeed and peace cannot come soon enough.