2020 Reflections
I suppose I’ll start by stating the obvious. 2020 was no one’s year. Everyone experienced some level of loss, disappointment, anxiety, trauma, depression, and loneliness. I recognize everyone’s experience and way of coping with the uncertainty that this year threw at us is going to be different and vary depending on your circumstances. In my opinion, as productive as I thought that I was this year, Taylor Swift was at a whole other level by releasing not just one but TWO folk-themed albums. Both of which I’ve been listening to during my evening walks.
Now that the year is coming to a close, I wanted to take a moment to do some reflection and share with you some things that I’ve learned.
Friendships: Though I wasn’t able to see my friends for monthly brunch or make plans to travel abroad like I wanted to, I was still able to find ways to connect with the people I love. Whether it be by going on social distancing hikes or catching up via weekly facetimes, my friends have truly helped keep me sane and inspired during these dark times.
I love planning adventures with my friends. Amongst all of them, I’m known as the Type A planner of the group. I just thrive on new experiences and I like to plan them out so that we can make the most out of it every opportunity. In many ways, this hasn’t changed. I’ve been able to plan virtual hangouts, model for one on one photoshoots, and create a beautiful tea party picnic with a friend at a local park. Overall, though we’ve physically been separated almost all year, I still feel deeply connected to all my friends whom I cherish so much and I’ve learned that I don’t need a million plans to feel like I have a social life.
Relationships/Dating during COVID: Unfortunately, my last relationship fell apart due to the strains of COVID. You could say on one hand, COVID had nothing to do with it and our demise was mainly due to a lack of communication, yet on the other hand, you could also say that had COVID not happened, maybe we would have found ourselves eventually lacking something else. Who knows.
Essentially, all I will say is that my breakup is something that I’m still trying to process and learn from. I’ve started writing an entire essay about my thoughts on love at 25 and so far it’s been very therapeutic to just write everything out. I think to some people, I might seem like a contradiction at times. In some ways, I am a hopeless romantic. My over-dramatic dream about moving to the EU and visiting my future lover’s family’s villa in the countryside is an idea that I think only exists in movies or books. On the flip side, I can be very cynical when it comes to things like true love, fate, and soulmates. I’ve been in love before but I believe that relationships are about having more than just love for one another. Lasting relationships take trust, honesty, communication, maturity, kindness, self-awareness, and will constantly require reciprocated effort. I know love is not enough to have the perfect relationship even though I’m currently in a place where I simply miss being in love.
As most people will agree, dating this year was pretty awful. I tried dating a few times but nothing came of it. So as of now, I’m just riding out the rest of the year, growing my list of hobbies, and trying to keep an open heart for the next opportunity to welcome someone new into my world. This year, I’ve learned that I can always rely on myself for love.
Hobbies: If you’ve been following me on Instagram, you know that my assortment of hobbies has grown from simply taking pictures to now knitting, upcycling, video editing, watercolor painting, and baking French recipes. I’ve always loved having a bunch of creative hobbies but I never felt like I excelled in anything in particular. According to a free Enneagram test, my personality type is “Achiever”, so that would explain my need to constantly have something to show for my time. Rarely am I ever bored and I find so much fulfillment in sharing my creative endeavors with you. There was a time during quarantine that I wasn’t feeling inspired, so for those who are creative but lack the inspiration, I totally get that. It will pass and by reading new books, watching new shows, or creating new vision boards, you will find new ways to be inspired. This year I’ve learned that hobbies are key to keeping myself sane.
I’m also currently learning French! As someone who only speaks English, I find it to be so exciting to learn a new language. And as someone who loves fashion, French is one of the most practical languages to learn. For regular lessons, I use Duolingo. I highly recommend since the app is very user friendly and you can practice as rarely or as often as you want. C'est génial!
Family: For the most part, I feel like things with my family have been normal. I know I take my parents for granted far too often and we could always do with more family time. We are very lucky to have each other and I know that I would not have been able to make it to the end of this year without their support. This year I’ve learned that despite my family’s ups and downs, it’s the love of family alone that will always remain constant.
Mental Health: For the most part, I do not consider myself as someone who struggles with mental health; however, there were times this year when suddenly I hit new lows and the light at the end of the tunnel started to fade. I lost all sense of inspiration and creativity, I had faced rejection from several dream jobs, and of course my failed relationship left me in pieces. I didn’t want to try anymore if I was going to be hurt. It was as simple as that.
I could talk about mental health forever: how to heal, how to cope, how to find a deeper connection with others, but for now all I will say is that I’m grateful for the people I have in my life. As isolated as I might have felt, I know that I was never alone. As heartbroken as I might have been, I know that it’s not forever. This year I’ve learned to let go, feel fully, and take baby steps to move forward.
BLM/POC: Racism is real. Everyone of course has different experiences and some may experience racism while others might be lucky enough to be left unscathed. Nevertheless, it was clear that the world came together to acknowledge the need for change. From France to Japan, I saw so many tweets, posts, and articles sharing BLM signs in every major language of the world. Now I by no means consider myself to be an activist but at the bare minimum I will continue to support the voices of my friends and their cultural/religious communities to be the best ally that I can be. Diversity, culture, community, and inclusion are all elements of society that humanizes us. The world is vast, but at the end of it all, we are one. This year I’ve learned that though elements of racism are still alive and well, the world has spoken in favor of love and we must never let hate win.
This sums up my reflections for 2020. Thank you so much for reading and do let me know if you have any thoughts or reflections of your own. I hope you have a lovely New Year’s and I wish you all so much happiness.
xx
Ella Kol
